LifeInTheGuard

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This Page Is For Security Guards Only!!
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PHOTOS OF SHAME

* PHIL & BILL CLINTON *

* PHIL & THE GUARDETTES *

Below are real stories from security guards about life in the guard. Email your REAL security guard stories from the WRITE PHIL page, and they will be posted. New addition to this page: Email a photo of you in your security uniform and that will be posted also.

REAL SECURITY GUARD STORIES:

Hey Phil.

        I go by the name Snake and I have been a security guard off and on for ten years now.

        One time me and this other officer had to do an inside check of an abandoned building on a site we were guarding. It was at night. Me and the other officer made it up to the third floor, and there were signs of kids partying and doing other things so we were a little jumpy at any little noise, because as we all know we can't have a weapon but everyone else can. So we were walking down this long, dark hallway and I stepped on a small light bulb and it sounded like a gun shot. The other guard instinctively dove into a room we were walking by then he ran and hid in a back bathroom. I felt like a big ass. It took me five minutes to convince him I had just stepped on a light bulb. But I patrol a real nice site now and there are no light bulbs to step on.

        May all the brothers and sisters in the business be safe,

        Snake

Darren Carter
San Jose, CA.

        Phil, I worked at AmGuard for three months, got fired for a week, then worked another month there, then got fired for good. First of all my attitude was I hated the job, I was scared because I'm a nonviolent person and I thought there would be danger, people busting in and stuff.

        I worked at a computer making company and my security guard job was to check the employees bags on the way out to see if anyone was stealing computer chips. The thing is I didn't know what a computer chip looked so I just faked it and gave everyone a pass. Probably they caught on and were showing me bags full of chips. I still don't know what computer chips look like.

        Finally I realized there was no danger to security work. In fact, it is really boring. The only danger is your supervisor catching you sleeping and that way you get fired. That's how I got fired the first time. I had my chair leaned back against the wall, and my sunglasses on so they can't see me sleeping. I woke up to my supervisor saying over and over again, "Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!" Saying it progressively louder slowly pulling me out of a sound sleep. So I played it off cool. I said, "Oh, sorry I was in deep concentration about something." But I got busted because there was a lot of slobber down my chin and shirt. So I got fired but I begged my way back in because I needed a job. They gave me a second chance, and besides, I already had the regulation uniform.

       Second and final time I got fired was when I was working under this supervisor who was a hard core semi-retired jerk. He would actually sneak up on all the guards to try and catch them sleeping or listening to the radio, which could both get you fired. This was still at the computer building company. I sat in front of a bunch of monitors in a guard shack that showed the whole company grounds. The only thing the security guards ever looked for on the monitors was to see if that jerk supervisor was trying to sneak up on us. I would lean back on a chair with the clock radio on the floor, low volume, (it was pretty cool getting paid to listen to talk radio), and if I saw the jerk supervisor coming I would tap the snooze with my foot which would shut the radio off for nine minutes. It worked as long as the guy didn't stay more then nine minutes.

        I came to work one morning and called headquarters to find out my schedule for the next week. The schedule girl was sleeping with my roommate so we were kind of friends, and she was like, "Oh, they didn't tell you? This is off the record but I think they're going to let you go." I was working in the guard shack when I made that call and she said the supervisor jerk guy was on his way over that minute to fire me. So I turned the radio up real loud, I put some bullshit on the hourly observation sheet, I locked the door to the shack with all the keys in it, then climbed out the window. That was the last time I worked there.
     Be cool, Phil. Keep on keepin' on.

Hi phil,

One night I was working a wanker night shift on mobile patrol . This was in Leeds, West Yorkshire, England.

At about 2 am in the morning on a very quiet shift I got a call on my mobile from a guard on one of the city centre sights. He asked if I could get up to the office block where he was based to check out some serious action. I was only two minutes away. He let me in the rear door and lead me through to the front of the building where their was some large entrance doors and windows which were mirrored to the outside.

On the other side of the mirrored windows were two young ladies and their male friends getting down to business and as they got more physical started to actually lean up against the glass that we were behind.

This beat outright any movie or show anywhere and was totally free, and it certainly woke me up for the rest of the night.

CHRIS
Security Officer
Leeds U.K.

Hey there Mr.Phil!!!

I am a security guard in a city called Victoria. It's on the west coast of Canada.

Anyway, our company has uniforms that are almost identical to the local police. Well, one day I was wearing the patrol outfit which consists of bike pants and bike jacket (yellow and black). The one time my boss asked me to use the patrol car (unmarked of course) I just happened to do a drive by of a local hang out where druggies and alcoholics hang out. I stepped out of the car and the next thing you know I had a pile of booze bottles and hypo's dropped at my feet and about three of the wackos where spread eagle across the hood of the car. I then phoned the boys in blue and the bad guys got to spend an all expense paid trip in the CROW BAR HOTEL.

Thanks for reading.

Any one interested in writing me back can write to me to: flicker691@home.com

From: BryanElaine@aol.com
Date: Sun, 2 Jul 2000 05:56:37 EDT
Subject: Your faithfull breathren in Kansas City
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com

Hello. My name is Lieutenant Cady. I work at a large bank as a contract armed security officer. One day at the branch, a lady came in and tried to cash a stolen & forged check for $2500. I arrested her and waited for the police. She seemed unnaturally calm and I asked her if she had any idea what she'd done. She said, "I don't care you ain't got nothing on me!". I said, "correct me if I'm wrong but you used your real Social Security card as an ID". She replied "So what". My response was "Furthermore, you placed your thumbprint ID on the back! (new, security measure to get their thumbprint when they cash a check w/o an account) That's as incriminating as you can get!" Her well thought out response was "You moron, that's my thumbprint not my fingerprint!" Needless to say she plead guilty and I didn't have to go to court.
Lt. B.Cady
At a Big Bank in Kansas City

From: RJAllen@firstenergycorp.com
Importance: Normal
Subject: Another good story
To: Mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 11:35:07 -0400
Status: RO

Dear Phil,
I have been working in the security field for around 10 years. Currently I work as an armed officer but cut my teeth in the field working for a local retail chain doing loss prevention. In the 5 years that I worked for them me and my fellow officers had many hilarious experiences, but my favorites are as follows....

1) The woman who we stopped three times in one week for theft. Her statement on the third arrest, "Why are you people picking on me. You already stopped me twice?"

2) The guy who got "pantsed" by his friends in the CD aisle of the store in front of about 10 female shoppers. (That was preserved for posterity on our CCTV cameras)

3) Every teenage girl who has ever stolen a pregnancy test. Mostly cause its so much fun to tell mom when they get caught.

4) The young man that asked me as he walked out with stolen shoes on his feet, "What are you going to do? Arrest me?" The last laugh was on him.

5) Every person who looks up at the camera above them, just before they steal something, just to let us know they are looking for us.

And finally, to the wonderful woman who figured out how to use her size as an asset. This woman was roughly 350 lbs. She had realized that as big as she was she had to walk with, shall we say, a "waddle". To this end she devised a harness devise that she could wear under her floor length dress. The straps and harness came up over her shoulders and then down around her considerable waist to just about 5 inches above the floor. She would walk into the electronics department and place a small, 13" television on the floor. she would then wait until she thought the coast was clear and step over the TV and cover it with her dress. then she would act like she was pulling up her panty hose or some such and slip the straps under the box. When she stood up, the box would lift and she would then "waddle" out the front door. The site was something to behold.

Sincerely,
Rguarddog@Yahoo.com

Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2000 04:05:56 -0400 (EDT)
From: Danny Short <powhatandanny2@email.com>
To: mail@Philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: Security guard wages & tip for happy feet.
X-Originating-IP: 152.163.197.84

Dear Phil my Security guard brother,

I obtained my guard card 3 years ago and was hired immediately by a company by the name of Pedus (should change their name to penis) private security service in
Huntington Park, Ca. at a rate of $6.00 p.h.

I was posted at Vons supermarket #99 in Chino Ca. My training consisted of the guard card test and one lap through my post at Vons by my sup, approx 10 minutes and then left standing at the exit at rush hour and told to do this once an hour.

I had been told a security officer's job is to observe and report. After observing and reporting all of the theft I was witnessing going out the front door (which no one was doing anything about) for approx 1 week I began stopping and recovering items i.e. liquor, makeup, meat etc. The supervisory personnel at Vons delighted in this i.e. Cassie, Jeff, Tanya, Rick as well as store manager Warren (that's right I'm naming names). Vons was my first post and I was there for 3 YEARS. I received nothing but compliments on my work from store personnel and I understand that to be at one post for that amount of time is almost unheard of in this industry. I even managed to get 1 employee for over $500.00 in theft and later the Loss Prevention department got it up to over $7,000 yet I cannot for the life of me get a raise. I'm getting conflicting reasons from supervisors (I've had 5 since I've been there) and people at home office i.e. Howard operations mgr, Ralph Rodriguez etc.

Question; Are all security companies like this or am I just involved with some mickey mouse org? Half the time they short me on my check and never make it up to me. It took 2 months to get XMAS overtime from them and then found out at tax time for most of the year they did not deduct state tax from my check and that was a mess for me.

Any way I've got a lot of supermarket war stories, happy stories, as well as sad and funny to share at a later date if you would like. -SECURITY GUARD TIP FOR THE DAY- TAKE CARE OF YOUR FEET- As a guard you're on them constantly. Invest in quality footwear, use foot powder, (but not too much as it clumps) and most important of all wear thick cushy sweat socks (black of course). Sore feet WILL keep you distracted as you will always be looking for a place to sit down i.e. restrooms, rear of building etc. Lets all maintain them and have HAPPY FEET. And in closing here's a tip for you, brother Phil. I noticed you like them donuts (as all we guards do). They're great for eating on the run & for quick energy (as security guards never know when we will have to swing into action and problems can occur in a split second from nowhere) I have found them a bit expensive on our salary but have found something better. Vons markets feature Mays honeybuns (made with real honey) 3 for .99 cents. Pass this on to our fellow security guard brothers.

Lets all have an incident report free watch.

Sincerely; D. Short #5180Danny;

(PowhatanDanny2@email.com).

From: "Ken Ward" <kenw@infortextgroup.com>
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: SW Florida shots fired
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2000 10:55:06 -0500
X-Priority: 3
Status: U

As a young guard in southwest Florida, I pulled down a sweet job as solo night patrol at a Tomato packing plant. I was amazed on my first night when I found out I had a gas powered golf cart AND a 4x4 ATV to patrol with. I spent the first hour just... UM...getting used to the ATV. I had no worries as I was all alone surrounded by tomato fields. About 2AM I saw 3 or 4 pickups driving erratically come up the service road and park behind some trees in a field about 1/4 mile away. Soon after the unmistakable sounds of a party could be heard along with a bon fire on the far side of the trees. I decided to hop on the ATV and get up closer to see if I could run them off or if I needed to call the sheriff. My question was answered when I heard the window behind me explode followed by the faint echo of a gunshot. I dove to the floor and killed the inside light. I also called 911 for backup as another shot rang out this time hitting my car next to the guard shack.(a brick one thankfully) I sweated out about 10 more random shots hitting my shack and car. When I saw the county boy come up the road with no lights. He got within 10 ft of the gate and took two shots in the fender. He immediately tossed it into reverse and backed down the road about 60 mph leaving me to sit it out another magazine full of shots peppering my shack. I then saw the trucks start up and head out across the field to disappear in the night. They were never caught but the Sheriff claimed they were probably drunk and popping off rounds without realizing that we had been down range. THAT made it feel so much better.

Ken Ward

From: "GE.JUNO" <allcreatures@xtra.co.nz>
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Cc: <bazzza66@hotmail.com>
Subject: SECURITY APPLICATIONS
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2000 18:21:38 +1300
X-Priority: 3

Hi phil, have only just discovered your site, but I think it's great. I have worked as a Security Guard for about twenty years on and off in New Zealand and Australia, I've also been a police officer in both countries.

I think the reasons there are so many morons in the industry is because there are no entry requirements and no training programs for guards in most countries. But you may be interested to know that we have a subtle pre-entry test for guards in New Zealand:

1) The written advertisement. This proves that the applicant can read, or at least has the innitiative to find someone to read the paper to him.

2)The telephone. This tests the applicant's ability to use complex electronic equipment when ringing up for an interview.

3) The interview. Actually arriving at the office for an interview proves the applicanr can find his way about the town, either that or his mother still loves him well enough to bring him down. Recognising the door bell tests his obsevation powers. Opening the door when asked tests his willingness to abey orders. Actually being able to push the door open and walk in tests his dexterity and his fitness. Writing his name on the application form tests his memory and his literacy. Numeracy skills are tested by asking him to write down his date of birth.

An easier method of testing applicants would be to have each prospect complete a pre-entry test, a possible example is provided below.

FIRST NAME
SECOND NAME
THIRD NAME
AGE
SEX(state if you are a boy or a girl please)
EDUCATION(number of months spent at high school)
EDUCATIONAL QUALIFICATIONS(exclude detention and suspension details)
WORK EXPERIENCE(last ten jobs only please)
RELATED EXPERIENCE(do not include positions such as hall monitor, cub scout leader)
REASON FOR LEAVING LAST JOB(why and when were you fired)
FITNESS DETAILS(only complete if you can not raise unaided from a seating position)
EYESIGHT(thickness of spectacle lenses in inches)
DRIVING EXPERIENCE(state pedal car/ go cart/ tricycle/ skateboard)
DRIVING LICENSES(why and when cancelled)
CRIMINAL RECORD(continue on separate pages if needed)
NUMBER OF TIMES APPLIED FOR POLICE OFFICER JOB(if over fifty write infinite)
WEAPONS OWNED THAT YOU FEEL COULD BE USEFUL(include machine guns, bazzokas and missiles)
MARTIAL ART COURSES COMMENCED(only state first ten styles)
DOGS OWNED(only include those dogs not under a destruction order by animal control)
UNIFORMS OWNED(does not include fake police uniforms)
SECURITY EQIPMENT OWNED(does not include red lights, sirens, police cars/bikes, tanks, taser guns)

From: Mr. Jim Cash
Date: Fri Apr 16, 2004 9:55:38 PM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: Your Website

Hey I just wanted to tell you that I loved your
website. I am currentley a Seargent with Hoggin
Securtiy Services USA., and me and the Branch Manager
always joke about security stuff all the time. I will
refer him to your site. I loved your video that you
had up to. Just way to funny!!! Keep up the good
work, put some more updates on, and keep the good
times rollin'!!!!!!

Jim

From: SATSecurity <SATSecurity@caremark.com>
Date: Fri Jul 18, 2003 6:41:56 PM US/Pacific
To: "'mail@philthesecurityguard.com'" <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: bomb threats and upper management

Dear Phil,

In February of this year, I was working as a security
officer dispatcher at a major marine theme park in San Antonio, TX. Ok, Seaworld. The park was closed to Guests but was full of employees in training. Spring Break was just around the corner. It was on a Sunday afternoon that I got a call I will never forget. BOMB THREAT!!! After the initial hyperventilating subsided, I notified my Supervisor, Andi. Andi questioned me for a few seconds then called her boss at home, Don Shuebrooks. Don told us to follow the S.O.P. We then notified the Director of Security, Art Trevino, by cell phone as he was in California. Art concurred. Since the caller did not specify the exact location of the bomb, Andi and I decided to evacuate all buildings that were occupied. About half way through the evacuations, Art called back and said to stop. He thought it would be bad P.R. for the park. Andi and I could not believe
our ears. However, it was an order and we had to obey it. We notified the other officers involved to stop the evacuations and allow the employees to resume training. The following afternoon when I arrived for work, I was summonsed from roll call into the Management offices. My boss, Andi, whom I highly respected, had a write up sheet on her desk. I was being reprimanded for evacuating people during the bomb threat. It actually brought Andi to tears that she had to punish me for my actions. I was laughing at the damn thing. It was so asinine. She had been written up by Don Shuebrooks even though he was the one that told us to follow the
S.O.P. Needless to say I did not sign the write up. I even told Andi I would do the same thing all over again. She said she would too. We still could not believe that the Director of Security would risk the lives of hundreds of employees because he did not want bad press. Several weeks went by and I had another bomb threat phone call. I hung up on the call and never reported it. I knew Art Trevino would not want to endanger the precious reputation of Busch Entertainment.
Jana McKinney
San Antonio, TX

From: "Salvatore Shaw" <salvatoreshaw@email.com>
Date: Mon Aug 4, 2003 9:14:32 PM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: LIFE AS THE GUARD

Hello Mr. Phil

I just started officlally got licensed as a security guard after over ten years in the field. Well I have three main things to say about it. One is kind of personal and embarassing to me.

One is always be vigilant and trust your "spidey" senses. One site I was working the nite shift all alone at a open arena. One of the gates got broken into when I was patroling. There were incidatitons that something bad was gonna happen and it did. The
advice from experience is always trust your instincts if something either good or bad is gonna happen always call your supervisor that something is occuring before it happens not after.

Second is not be too social with clients or with patrons at major venues like a rock concert. I was joking too much with girls and got three compliants. The owner and supervisor talked to me and they I am a joking type of person and didnt mean it the way the females decribed it to be meant. I was reassigned and under watchful eyes of
the management. I could of been fired but wasn't. Lucky for me.

Third is the city I live in, many of the security guards goto a "massage" parlour that offers more than a "massage" Let you figure that one out. I wnet there and it was the first time I ever went in and got naked in front a female and was ever touched. I was or still am a virgin at the age of 28. The most I got was a hand job. I have sucidical tendencies now. I didnt like what occured. I am partly to blame but so is the person
who did the service after what she said about me and my face. At first she was nice and then later insulted my ethnicity. I hate myself for ruining my relationship with god for a moments pleasure.
Probably I would of committed suicide by the time you read this but I may still be breathing if I get help real soon. Beware of Madame Cleo's in Vancouver, B.C. and what ethnicity you are.

I am ethnically a indian who practices sikhism.

I have purchased a gun and ready to pull the trigger to kill myself beacuase of what happened at Madame Cleo's. The first time ever I happen to go nude and get anything sexually done which at most happened was a hand job. And I didnt even have an orgasm. I hate myself and I believe suicide is the only way out.

Salvatore Shaw is not my real name It is a name I use because it is a alais name that I like.

Maybe this is goodbye forever if I do commit suicide. I just hope I dont commit suicide yet. Dont take this as a joke either.

Hi Phil, I just started as a security guard, and on my first night I saw something I would just as soon forget. I am working at a boys school in VA and on my first night I was training with the trainer who was showing me around, and when we got to the third floor of the building, we were greeted by shouts of " I said open the D**M door !! ". So of course we looked in to see what was going on. Much to our suprise we saw one of the boys sitting on his bed BUCK NAKED with a paper towel covering his genitals, with his buddy video taping him. It turns out they borrowed the video camera from the guys next door ( which they were not allowed to have at school anyway ) who told them not to tape anything dirty with it, and were trying to film a jackass video. ( at least they got the name right ) Well the cam was confiscated and the kid got turned in to the Seargent on duty, and will be walking the bullpin ( square painted in the parking lot ) for a while. Then someone snuck out watched us through the window until we left the office, broke in and started playing the pre recorded Revely Call on the intercom all over the building at 1:00 am . Thank god it was time for me to get off. WHAT A FIRST NIGHT !!
Anyway all you guys be safe out there.
D.

"Debbie" <deputeedog@myway.com>

From: "Debbie" <deputeedog@myway.com>

No banners. No pop-ups. No kidding.
Introducing My Way - http://www.myway.com

From: "Bruce J" <bruce8401@hotmail.com>
Date: Tue Nov 25, 2003 4:37:13 PM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: My story

Dear Phil,

First of all I would like to commend you on your site. Its very good and entertaining. I have been in security for over four years now since I decided my 1st choice of a career was a terrible failure. I worked in a circus as the human cannonball, but I was fired... Actually I was in food service where I learned that people suck.

Anyway I started being a security officer/guard at a local electronics plant for our company. I won't mention names here because with my dumb luck it will get me fired from my current security job. Anyway I was just a midnight guard doing foot patrols and checking doors to make sure they were locked. Occasionally we would catch people on the roof having sex with each other but other than that nothing really exciting happened until one night when it was my turn to work at the front desk. I was training a new guy, Vance. We got a phone call from an employees wife who was looking for her husband. Vance took the information and set out into the factory to find the guy. I paged his supervisor too. As it turned out the guy wasn't working that night, it was rumored that he was out with another woman. To cover it up he told his wife that he never recieved the emergency message. The client, Jim Ratt, (fake name) cornered me and Vance the next day and started screaming at us about how incompitant we were and accused us of being liars. We were telling the truth. Jim was the type of guy who refused to admit when he was wrong and he kept on yelling at us. He told Vance he was going to have him fired, and also threatened me with unemployment. After a while we gave up the idea of trying to tell him what really happened and just hoped he would go away. Along with calling us liars he called us stupid losers and said that every time we talked, shit came out. I guess Jim finally got tired of yelling at us and decided to go drink it off or something because he shortly left the site after that. I went on foot patrol through the office building.

As I walked through Jim's office I couldnt get the sound of his yelling out of my head. He said every time I talk, shit comes out of my mouth. So while I was changing the video tapes in the office cameras I picked up his phone and wiped the mouthpiece up and down the crack of my ass. I got it good and nasty for him to see in the morning. Then I put the new tape in the camera and continued my night with a smile on my face. I told nobody until my supervisor, Dan, came in the next morning.

Not even a minute after I was done telling Dan what I did to Jim's phone, Jim arrived and told Dan and me to follow him up to his office. Dan just about passed out from fear. He was convinced that Jim knew what I did to his phone. But there was no way he could have known it.

We followed Jim into his office and he sat at his desk. All he wanted was to go over some new parking procedures for a visiting group that was arriving later that day. Dan and I felt a sense of relief as we realized he had no idea that his phone had been tampered with. But of course, just then Jim's phone rang. Without hesitation Jim answered with a hearty "Jim Ratt, can I hekp you" with a smile on his face as the dirty mouth piece rubbed against his beard. On his next breath he got a sniff of the nasty stench from his mouth piece and his face went from a happy smile to a puzzled look as he sniffed the mouthpiece to make sure he wasnt losing his mind. It took every ounce of energy I had NOT to laugh my ass off as he realized there was funk on his phone. Dan's face turned bright red as he witnessed the event.

To make a long story short, Dan ended up getting accused of funking the phone. Jim to this day has no idea it was me who did it. I was promoted to supervisor soon after the incident and was moved to my own site soon after that. I ended up quitting that company for personal reasons six months later. Now I work for a different company as an Area Manager.

The moral of this story is don't ever call me a liar unless you have the guts to be proven wrong. And the second moral is no matter how big of an idiot you are, there is always a place for you in security.

I hope you at least get a laugh out of this, even if you dont put it on your site. Thanks.

From: Bungholeboy1425@aol.com
Date: Sat Oct 11, 2003 6:02:37 PM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: Guardsmark in Kansas City.

My name is shari Dodd and I work for Guardsmark in Kansas City at the Sprint account.
I just wanted to introduce myself. Luv your site Phil!!
On Wednesday, October 1, 2003, at 02:43 PM, Dennis Jex wrote:
Dennis Jex <djex@shaw.ca>
Re: security shoes

hi, just starting security work just wondering what type of shoes are durable and comfortable for this type of work ? are 150 buck rockports ok ( i prefer a soft leather with no heal)

thanks, danny "newbie"

From: "Howard D" <canoeboy@meckcom.net>
Date: Tue Sep 23, 2003 1:26:11 AM US/Pacific
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: Security Guard Story

From: "joseph mader" <joe.mader@comcast.net>
Date: Mon Aug 11, 2003 10:29:51 AM US/Pacific
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: HEY PHIL

I USED TO WORK FOR AMGUARD IN THE 80'S ...I DID IT FOR 2 YEARS...I HAD SOME WILD TIMES WORKING FOR THEM..MY NAME IS JOE...WRITE BACK AND I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT SOME OF THEM.

From: Murray Adam <murrayadam2002@yahoo.co.uk>
Date: Sat Aug 9, 2003 9:58:34 PM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com

hey phil,
inspirational site!
I was a night security guard here in Scotland. I say was because I've just been sacked. Why? Well picture this - alone in a dark office for 15 hours at a time with nothing to do - except for a computer with full internet access. You get the picture. I think I deserve a medal for lasting 16 months before finally succumbing and viewing some 'special interest' sites.
Awww come on!! Its a lonely job and we security guards have 'needs' like anyone else!! Right now I 'need' another job!!
Later,
Muzza

From: lynne m o'rourke <christyeuclid@juno.com>
Date: Tue Jul 8, 2003 11:30:13 AM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: Entertain me...

Yes your site did...I am trying to get in the business,,,and have been
waiting for my PERC card for a while now...So was doing research in the
safety.com and came up with your site...Will share with friends...Thanks
for the laugh...more later...

From: PISTAALPETE@aol.com
Date: Sat Jun 28, 2003 2:10:48 PM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: Question for Phil

Sup Phil,

I am 18 years old and was maybe considering the possibilities of becoming a security guard just until I ship out to the air force.
My question to you is would they hire an 18 year old to work as a security guard, even if its the lowest easiest position ever.
and also what is the starting salary??

thank you for your time
am staying safe and looking both ways
keepin it real

From: "Brenda Hohneke" <Brenda.Hohneke@state.mn.us>
Date: Wed Jun 18, 2003 7:36:04 AM US/Pacific
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: Hello :)

Just wanted to say that you are such a
hoot.................................. Your a funny guy you make my
day!!!! :)

Brenda

From: "Wayne Petko" <waynepetko@cox.net>
Date: Mon Jun 2, 2003 12:44:45 PM US/Pacific
To: <POWHATANDANNY2@EMAIL.COM>
Cc: <MAIL@PHILTHESECURITYGUARD.COM>
Subject: PENIS SECURITY

DANNY! HANG IN THERE BRO! I'VE BEEN IN SECURITY SINCE 1986. I'VE ALSO A BACHELORS DEGREE. I HAVE BEEN EMPLOYED BY PEDUS 3 TIMES IN THAT PERIOD. SINCE I'M UNEMPLOYED RIGHT NOW, I'LL PROBABLY WORK FOR THEM AGAIN. WHY? YOU MIGHT ASK. I'LL TELL YOU. THE SPANISH WORD FOR "FARTS" IS "PEDOS". SEE THE CONNECTION?
IN MY 17 YEARS AS A PAID BUM I HAVE WORKED FOR 5 DIFFERENT SECURITY COMPANIES AND HELD EVERY POSSIBLE POSITION SHORT OF OPS MGR. I HAVE WATCHED EMPTY PARKING LOTS W/NO RESTRM FACILITIES, CHAINLOCKED DOORS (MAKE SURE NO ONE TRIES TO LEAVE THRU THIS EXIT), AND RADIOACTIVE WASTE STORAGE CENTERS. I HAVE SEEN TWO MALE S/Os GET IT ON IN THE BACK SEAT AT THEIR SITE; ONE MASTURBATING IN THE GUARD SHACK; ONE PRYING A PAYPHONE OFF A WALL; ONE SELLING CRACK; AND ONE PRACTICING HIS FAST DRAW W/A PLASTIC GUN (PICKED UP BY CHP FOR BRANDISHING). I SAW ONE S/O HAVE HIS WIFE FILL OUT HIS APPLICATION BECAUSE HE COULDN'T READ OR WRITE; TWO WHOSE ONLY KNOWLEDGE OF ENGLISH WAS YES AND NO; AND ONE ALCOHOLIC (SEVERE) S/O THAT KEPT A CACHE OF AUTOMATIC WEAPONS IN HIS TRUNK (JUST IN CASE). I'VE HAD THEM CALL OFF BECAUSE THEIR GIRLFRIENDS SISTERS FRIEND IS HAVING A BABY. ONE CALLED OFF BECAUSE HE CUT "A BIG HUNK" OF HIS WEINER OFF W/A KITCHEN KNIFE.
SO DANNY #5180, HANG IN THERE! YOU CAN'T FIND THIS KIND OF ENTERTAINMENT ANYWHERE. NOT EVEN ON YOUR 8" B&W GPX TV W/THREE WAY POWER. REMEMBER: STAY SAFE! WEAR COMFY SHOES, LEARN YOUR SUP'S ROUTINES, FIND A SAFE PLACE FOR YOUR LUNCH, AND MOST OF ALL, ALWAYS KEEP A ROLL OF TP IN YOUR DUTY BAG. REGARDS, WAYNE IN S.D.

From: GeorgiaFroggy11@aol.com
Date: Wed May 28, 2003 1:54:26 PM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: hey phil!

Hey, I was wondering, people always say that security guards are fat, slow,
and lazy, and I would think that you would want to say that it isnt true, but
you seem to be making people think that even more so. Anywayz. . .SECURITY
GUARDS ROCK!
~security wannabe~

--------From: Nikolaus Maack <nikmaack@sympatico.ca>
Date: Mon Apr 21, 2003 2:42:44 PM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: A True Security Guard Story
Reply-To: nikmaack@sympatico.ca

Phil,

I worked as a security guard for six years to put myself through university. Since then, I have escaped the life. Here is a true story.

I worked the noon to midnight shift, my friend Sean worked the midnight to noon shift. Together, we covered the building for the entire weekend. The powers that be didn't trust us, so we security staff had no access to any of the offices. Every door had a punch code, and we had none of the codes.

Every security guard knows the irony of working security -- if anything gets stolen, the first people they blame are the security guards, followed by the cleaning staff. Then they might start to think regular employees stole it, and finally they'll consider the possibility of an outside job.

Sean and I were told to do three patrols in a twelve hour shift. Because all the offices were locked up, patrols took about 5 minutes. Basically, you took the elevator to each floor and the parking garage, poked your head out, and then went back to your desk and wrote down "all secure" on your report sheet.

Sean brought a mini TV and VCR to work, and we made a deal -- I would rent three movies and he would rent three movies. I'd watch them on my day shift, and then leave them for him to watch on the night shift. Watching movies completely filled up the time of our shifts. The rest of the time I'd doodle, read novels, or study for school.

After sitting still for four hours straight, watching TV or reading, you might think a security guard would welcome the opportunity to do a quick five minute patrol. Of course, if you thought this, you'd be completely wrong. Sean and I hated those patrols, and often we just skipped them. Eventually, we just didn't bother doing them at all.

No one ever noticed. Of course, neither of us had ever met the person in charge of security for the building.

The only interesting thing that ever happened was a homeless man slept in the doorway of the fire exit. Everyone turned a blind eye to it. One day, the guy took a dump there. Someone complained about the dump, and insisted we call the cops whenever the homeless guy was there. All the security staff said, "Yeah, yeah," and kept ignoring the homeless guy.

One day, for no obvious reason, our security company lost the contract, and Sean and I got shipped off to different buildings.

Nik
http://www.nikart.ca

From: NORRAB73@aol.com
Date: Tue Feb 25, 2003 1:48:39 PM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: What is, and why do I need, a guard card or other similar training?

Phil,

I am considering the possibility of becoming a security guard and am
wondering why some companies require a guard card and others do not;
moreover, what exactly is a guard card, and is it just some method of taking
my cash for a course on common sense? Also, are there any recommendations
that you would give me in selecting a company to work with? And lastly, I
apologize for all the questions, what are the best posts, and what times of
the day? Thanks for the help Phil. It is appreciated.

Submitted With Respect,

Barron Lane

From: Robert Ubbish <rubbish@tesco.net>
Date: Mon Feb 24, 2003 10:38:49 AM US/Pacific
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: Your Site

Phil

I wish I'd thought of it first!

I was looking for info on Health and Safety coz I'm interviewing on
Wednesday for a new job when I came across your site. The bit I
liked best was the Neighbourhood Watch badge.

I've a few stories for you - I used to work for the government here
in England - but I need a job first. I'll be back when I find my
info.

Robert

From: "Pat Breen" <falcon1@iprimus.com.au>
Date: Thu Jan 16, 2003 4:32:19 PM US/Pacific
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: Sleeping On Duty

Hi Phil, as a long time member of the corps here in Australia, i would like your views on the long time practice (i have had a fair bit of experiance in this myself ) of a few hours shuteye during shift. I justify this by the fact they pay us half the wage any other worker recieves ,so therefore we give them just that little less of our time. My way of thinking says if we are well rested we will respond like a coiled spring and the employer gets quality time for the same cheap pay rate. Look forward to hearing the opinion of an expert such as yourself . G.day from down under.-Pat

From: "Meagan Urquhart" <murquhart@rogers.com>
Date: Thu Jan 2, 2003 11:47:41 PM US/Pacific
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: donuts

Dear Phil,
I love your site, You bring joy to my pathetic existence. (I am a NY State security guard after all, what fun can I have without losing my license?) I just wanted to give you a tip about carrying food with you.... Get your uniform shirt one size to big, make sure that you are wearing an undershirt, open one of the buttons on the shirt in the middle, and you can put whatever food into a plastic bag inside your shirt, and so long as you are not too overweight, no one wil notice a danish, bagel, small bag of chips *cheetos are a bad idea* or couple of candy bars. Of course you can only have one of those on you at once. Working on the exterior of a hopital, I was told that i couldn't be seen with food. Well, I ate, but they never saw where I got the food from. Now it is winter, I would rather be hungry than cold, so my coat stays sealed. 4 months until summer weather.
Sincerely yours in light blue,
the best scarer,
Sully
m_kayman@hotmail.com

From: "J.B. Abajian" <jbabajian@msn.com>
Date: Sun Dec 29, 2002 5:22:57 PM US/Pacific
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: Hi Phil

Dear Phil,

I ran across your site and saw your video with my friend Jeff.
He's interested in becoming a security guard here in Southern California.

Do you have any job search tips?
He has great verbal and written skills, though he has no
High School Diploma or GED.

He's primarily interested in undercover loss prevention.

We got a kick out of your video. It was all funny.

Sincerely,
J.B. Abajian

From: "Dave Burgess" <gfdave@hotmail.com>
Date: Thu Dec 12, 2002 2:40:39 PM US/Pacific
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: Hello

Phil,

You have a very entertaining website. Coming from the security industry myself, I was entertained for a few years.

I have saved your website and will keep you in mind should I hear of a potential opportunity for you.

I am a converted CPA turned uniform sales guy. I meet all kinds on the phone and in person.

If you come across anyone looking for a growing uniform company, pls refer them to me. Braxton is a manufacturer selling directly to endusers.

Here is the short list of our prices:

Shirts and Pants from $10.95

Blazers - $29.95

Windbreakers - $12.95

Duty Windbreakers - $15.95

Lightweight Bombers as low as $11.95

Bombers from $22.95

Parkas from $25.95

Commando Sweaters from $21.95

Rainwear from $8.95

We manufacture emblems and patches at very competitive prices

POLO SHIRTS from $9.95

Dave Burgess
Business Development Manager
Braxton Inc
Phone 310 686 7034
Email gfdave@hotmail.com
FAX 800 863 5954

From: Alex Devan <chaosx@tm.net.my>
Date: Tue Nov 26, 2002 6:54:26 PM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject:

Hey Phil...what is it with security guards and pillows? Man!! Every time I come to work, I always bring one with me cause' I'll be spending a few days in the office and those guys just love to pummel it, saying it's a routine security check. What's so dangerous about the pillow?

From: "Nick Purdon" <Nick_Purdon@CBC.CA>
Date: Wed Nov 13, 2002 8:03:44 AM US/Pacific
To: <mail@philthesecurityguard.com>
Subject: greetings

Dear Phil,

My name is Nick Purdon. I'm a producer on a CBC radio show called Workology. CBC is the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation in Toronto Canada. Our show airs on Monday mornings at 11 am. Anyway on our show we do stories about the culture of work.As a former security guard myself...I want to do a feature on the security guard. Do you know any good humoured security guards up here in Canada?

nick

Nick Purdon
www.cbc.ca/workology
Producer - Workology
phone: 416-205-5509

mail: CBC Radio One, Box 500, Station A, Toronto M5W 1E6
courier: CBC Radio One. 205 Wellington St W., Office number 2G-103 Toronto, M5V 3G7
TV IS A FAD...TURN ON YOUR RADIO.

From: "Jim Kelly" <prozac90210@hotmail.com>
Date: Mon Oct 21, 2002 11:32:08 AM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com
Subject: Am I normal?
Reply-To: jimkelly2@hotmail.com

Dear Phil The Security Guard,
I need your advice. Once in a while I pop two Valium and then watch back to back reruns of Beverly Hills 90210. I am a 31 yr old man. Is there something wrong with me?

P.S. Not that this would matter in your evaluation, but my mom said to make sure that I mention that I wear a Mullet haircut.

From: "Peter Petrov" <popetrov@hotmail.com>
Date: Tue Oct 1, 2002 7:56:44 AM US/Pacific
To: mail@philthesecurityguard.com

Dear Phil:
Greetings from Bulgaria.I am popetrov and am a newcomer to the profession.I am working as a high school security guard at a school named after Thomas Jefferson.I would be most grateful to you if you could help me in finding U.S.-based high school security guards,also the address of their national association etc.-just about anything that could be of help to me.
Otherwise, I like very much the materials on your impressive site.Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,

popetrov

"Jeff Gerke" <Jeff.Gerke@strang.com>

Phil,

You need my short-short story, Rent-A-Cop Savior.

I, too, proudly bore the light blue--for two whole years. Graveyard shift, baby. Wrote my second and third novels while on duty. Nary a bad guy dared come near while I was on the job.

Saw your site and thought you'd appreciate this little tale.

Jeff Gerke
writing as Jefferson Scott
www.jeffersonscott.com

Rent-A-Cop Savior

The military has been defeated. The police fell next. The National Guard is gone. Even the Coast Guard is no more.

The hopes and prayers of every surviving inhabitant of earth rest squarely in the laps of the last remaining armed force on the planet.

Security guards.

Rise up, men and women who bear the plastic badge of courage! Arise, ye gangly, pimply mall cops who only took the job to pick up chicks! Stand to, ye paunchy graveyard shift guards who plumb the depths of the night! Ye bank guards and zoo guards and nightstick-bearing car park guards, Planet Earth needs you!

Aren't you tired of being the laughingstock of the law enforcement world? Haven't you seen one too many movies when the poor security guard gets knocked off by the snickering criminal? Aren't you sick of the condescending looks you get from "real" policemen?

Enough, I say! Throw off the shackles of mediocrity and link arms with your brothers and sisters in the strip malls, art museums, warehouses, and rich people's houses of the world! Synchronize your plastic watches! Wipe down your steel handcuffs! Coordinate your police scanners and shoulder radios! Put away your Army/Navy surplus catalogs. Snap on your flashlights and load your weapons (for the 2% of you licensed to pack the heat). And for heaven's sake, sit up straight!

The people we have sort of sworn to protect are in their direst need. Where now are the arrogant policemen? Where now are the high and mighty grunts in their pretty tanks? Gone, I say! Only we few--we despised few--remain to safeguard the earth from the alien invader. Strap on your courage, dust off your dignity, and follow me into battle!

Some of us may fall in our valiant effort, but our exploits will long live in the grateful minds of those we preserve. Never again will people look down on the "rent-a-cop." Never again will they pay us minimum wage to shout, "Citizen's arrest!" Never again will the lowly security guard be lowly. Wherever families gather together in safety under a starry sky free of alien menace, they will lift their faces and say, "Thank goodness for security guards."

Brothers and sisters of the plastic shield, this is our independence day!